


Smile Again

by fir8008



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Dark, Gen, Recovery, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-01
Updated: 2014-03-01
Packaged: 2018-01-14 03:48:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1251628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fir8008/pseuds/fir8008
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to "Behind His Smile." It's 3:04 AM in China when Kris learns Suho's tried to kill himself. Wanting to die is easy, but wanting to live is harder. Kris is determined to make sure Suho smiles again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Smile Again

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on June 8, 2013.  
> Updated on July 25, 2017 for readability.

“Maybe we can’t be okay, but maybe we’re tough and we’ll try anyway…” – Maybe (Next to Normal),  _ Next to Normal _

 

It’s 3:04 AM in China when Kris begins pounding his fist against the doors in the dorm. He’s mildly afraid he’s killed Chen after he gives the vocalist a particularly hard shake to rouse him. But Chen is still alive, very annoyed, but alive. The other four and the manager slink out of their rooms, cursing about the time and “what the fuck is wrong with  _ duizhang _ ?”

Kris licks his lips, trying to find the strength to repeat those five horrible words that Baekhyun said to him five minutes ago.

His cell phone had rung obnoxiously; the vibrations against the bedside table had awoken Kris. He’d slapped his hand against it and answered with a yawn. Baekhyun’s voice had sounded faraway and strained. Kris had peered through sandy eyes at his bedside clock. 2:59 AM had glowed red in the dark room.

“What is it, Baek? It’s 3 AM over here. What happened?”

He heard the Korean vocalist take a deep breath. “Joonmyun tried to kill himself.”

Kris hung up immediately, ice seeping into his veins. He felt dizzy and nauseous. He practically jumped onto Chen’s bed, shaking him with inhuman desperation, “Chen-Chen, wake up, oh god, wake up.” Chen’s eyes shot open blearily as Kris dashed out of the room to wake the others. He pounded his hands against their doors like a madman, yelling in a conglomerate of the four languages that rolled off his tongue. He didn’t even know if he’s speaking one language at a time, or if anyone could understand. Chen dragged himself out of the room, asking Kris ‘what’s happening?’ Doors opened, members crawled out repeating Chen’s sentiments. The manager looked highly unamused with Kris’s antics.

Kris waves for them to sit down. He remains standing, clearing his throat. “Baekhyun just called me.” He can’t bring himself to look at the others. “Um, I’ll just say this quickly. Joonmyun tried to kill himself.”

There is dead silence. Chen and Xiumin are ashen-faced. Tao looks ready to cry. Lay stares at something in space. Luhan turns ghost white. The manager gets up from the living room and goes to book plane tickets back to Korea. Kris sits down heavily.

The next morning is a blur of haphazard packing and breaking the speed limit on the way to the airport. Kris silently gives thanks that no one knew they were going to the airport because there are no fans lurking in the terminal. The flight takes an eternity by comparison. Tao cries next to the window, Lay gently rubs his back, and Luhan murmurs gently. Xiumin and Chen whisper to each other in Korean. Kris’s hands don’t stop shaking the entire time.

They get to the hospital in record time, again thanks to a high amount of breaking the speed limit. They enter the lobby. The five members of Exo K stand and Luhan runs to Sehun, a cry catching in his throat as he drags the  _ maknae _ in for a bone crushing hug. The group sits back down, the K members sharing what information they have. Kris’s head spins.

Suho was depressed. He had anxiety. He was self-harming. Sehun found a bloody razorblade. Suho was raped. Finally, he made two near lethal cuts.

Kris feels as if they’re looking at a bunch of puzzle pieces. Some fit together, but none of them know how the puzzle is supposed to look. Suho holds those missing pieces.

The doctor says Suho can now see visitors, but to be prepared, as Suho was heavily sedated and extremely sick. The eleven file in silently. Indeed, Suho looks like a sick man. His white skin, while naturally pale, has taken on a sickly, sallow tinge to it. Bruise-like bags ring dull, tired eyes. His lips are cracked and chapped and pulled down into an uncharacteristic frown. He doesn’t look at his members as they enter. He stares down at his heavily bandaged arms. Kris spots a needle and tube stuck into a vein and shivers as he notes the IV drip beside Suho’s bed.

Sehun cracks first. The  _ maknae _ bursts into noisy tears, an act that causes Suho to look up in slight surprise. “ _ Hyung _ ! I’m so sorry,  _ hyung _ . I was so scared. So, so scared. I thought you were going to die!” Sehun throws himself across Suho’s legs, wailing into the sterile white sheets.

Suho gingerly pats Sehun’s head. “It’s not your fault, Sehun-ah.” His voice is strained.

D.O. sits down on the edge of the bed. “We weren’t there for you,  _ hyung _ . We should’ve been there for you.”

“There’s nothing you could have done. It isn’t your fault.” Suho says.

It becomes clear very quickly Suho doesn’t want to speak so they visit for a few minutes before shuffling out. Kris lingers just a few seconds longer, chest aching. There are so many things he wants to do at that moment. He wants to break down like Sehun and sob unabashedly, admit to the terror that near paralyzed him as Baekhyun’s words floated across the airwaves. He wants to scream at Suho too. He wants to throw things and rage. “How could you do this to yourself? To  _ us _ ?” dance on the tip of Kris’s tongue and he has to bite the pink muscle to keep from speaking those harsh patterns of letters. He wants to hug Suho and he wants Suho to cry in his arms. He wants Suho to feel that someone cares for him and values him. He doesn’t know what to do anymore.

Kris has never felt so powerless.

 

Suho gets to come home in a week. He’s given antidepressants and given a schedule for mandatory therapy sessions. All twelve of them are living at the same dorm now and they have to shuffle the room assignments. Suho ends up with a room to himself. Kris protests but Xiumin tells him that Suho just wants to be alone and that they should let him be comfortable.

The dorm is eerily quiet. At any time of day there’s usually noise and fighting that comes standard when a bunch of immature boys live in a small space together. Now everyone walks on eggshells to avoid disturbing Suho.

At first, it seems as though Suho is recovering. He still doesn’t talk to them, but he’s functioning. They feel hopeful that Suho will be normal soon.

No one knows when it goes wrong.

One day Kris comes home to find Baekhyun on his knees crying to front of Suho’s locked bedroom door. Xiumin and Luhan stand behind him, exchanging frantic glances.

“ _ Hyung _ , please. I’m begging you to forgive me. I was wrong. I was wrong. Forgive me; forgive me.” Baekhyun chants. “I was wrong.  _ Hyung _ , I’m sorry.”

“What the hell happened?” Kris hisses to Luhan in Mandarin.

Luhan looks up wearily. “They were on their way back from therapy; Baekhyun went with him today. On the ride home, Suho started playing with a paper clip and Baekhyun got worried. So he told Suho to stop, and,” he waves at the door. “This happened.”

“Stop treating me like I’m glass!” Suho’s voice is full of unbridled rage. “I’m not a baby. I’m you fucking  _ hyung _ . Treat me with a little respect! But you’ve never respected me; none of you ever have!”

Baekhyun sobs harder. “I’m sorry,  _ hyung _ .”

Something fragile shatters against the floor in the bedroom. “Fuck you, Byun Baekhyun. You vain little shit. Just go away. I’m so fucking sick of you.” Suho’s words are poison.

Luhan and Xiumin haul Baekhyun to his feet and drag him to the couch. Kris brings him a box of tissues. Baekhyun wipes his eyes, eyeliner wiping away in the fabric.

“I didn’t mean to make him angry.” Baekhyun croaks. “I was just getting worried. He used a paper clip when he was hurting himself sometimes. I was afraid he was going to do it again.” Baekhyun blows his nose. “What have I done? This is all my fault.”

Xiumin shakes his head. “Baek, this isn’t Joonmyun talking. It’s his illness. He’s sick, and it’s his sickness that’s making him act this way.”

Baekhyun sniffles. “I hope so, Minseok- _ hyung _ .”

 

After that episode, it suddenly seems that Suho’s recovery has not only hit a standstill, but he’s also begun to relapse into his old habits. The words of his members fall on deaf ears or are twisted into verbal attacks that precipitate raging counterattacks. Kris is afraid that these are Suho’s true feelings about his members. Kris doesn’t know if anyone can recover emotionally from Suho’s abusive rhetoric.

If they’re lucky, Suho locks himself in his room to rage. He curses anyone who tries to calm him. He’s taken to cutting again and displays the wounds with obnoxious pride.

If they’re unlucky, Suho rages out in the open. He viciously lashes out at whoever is nearby, throwing any nearby projectile and words that hurt more than objects.

One day, Tao tried to ask Suho to return to therapy, which the leader had since boycotted. Suho threw a bowl at the Chinese  _ maknae _ , and Tao’s cheek shone purple for a week. A paperweight missed Chanyeol’s head by millimeters after Chanyeol had told Suho to stop self-harming.

A picture frame went flying across the room which Kai ducked just in time to avoid. “ _ Hyung _ , stop! Please, I’m sorry. Whatever I did, I’m sorry.”

“You two-faced bastard. How dare you apologize to me? How dare you call me your  _ hyung _ ? You of all people have never shown me any respect. How dare you pretend? You all think I’m fucked up and that’s why you treat me like I’m porcelain.” Suho seethes. “You always looked down on me.”

“I’m sorry. It was wrong of me.” Atonement colors Kai’s voice.

Suho ignores him and storms back into his room, slamming the door so hard the house shakes.

Kai falls to his knees as D.O. runs to him. “Jongin, are you alright?”

“No,” Kai replies shakily. He picks up the picture frame. Behind the fractured glass are Exo K’s smiling faces. Tears well up in Kai’s eyes as he shows it to D.O. “Kyungsoo, was this smile fake? Was he hurting himself when we took this picture?”

D.O. says nothing as he pulls the dancer into his arms.

 

Kris doesn’t know what to do. Everything around him seems to be spiraling out of control. Suho’s on the warpath to self-destruction, willingly of course. The members are slowly becoming more and more unsure of Suho’s recovery. Moreover, Kris doesn’t know how much Suho’s erratic behavior has affected them.

“Did you take your pills today?” Kris suspects Suho hasn’t been taking them.

A sick, twisted smirk slithers across Suho’s face. “We’ve got a happy septic tank.”

Kris doesn’t want to fight.

 

“If I’m such a goddamn burden then I’ll just slit my throat and die.” Pure anger shades Suho’s face.

“Don’t you ever stop?” Kris hisses, wresting a kitchen knife out of Suho’s hands.

Suho spits on Kris’s face. “Why didn’t they let me die, Wufan? Why didn’t they let me die? They don’t care. They never have. They don’t even care now. This is all a farce.”

“You are not a burden. And they care about you. They all do.” Kris tries to keep his voice calm.

“Stop lying! Why does everyone lie to me? I’m not a baby.” Suho shouts, ratting Kris’s eardrums. “You don’t have to tell me I’m not a burden. I know I am. I accept it. And I know they don’t care about me. No one has to pretend. I can take it.”

Kris is at a complete loss. Suho’s plunged off the edge and is drowning in the deep end. How can his brain be so imbalanced that he can’t comprehend anything? Kris releases Suho’s arms and puts the knife back in the drawer. “Why don’t you want to be healed?”

Suho glares. “Just let me die. I want to die. Doesn’t anybody understand?” Suho’s eyes are glassy. There’s a sudden vulnerability in his skin. “I  _ want _ to die. Won’t you let me die?”

“I could never let that happen. I want you to heal. I want to see you smile again. I don’t think this is the real you. The Kim Joonmyun I know cares for his friends. He’s the strongest person I know.” Kris sighs. “If you see him tell him we all miss him, won’t you?”

The next morning all of Suho’s cuts are ripped open again.

 

Two weeks later, Kris has to kick down the bathroom door. He finds Suho on the floor, empty pill bottle in hand. Chen calls the ambulance while Kris carries Suho out of the bathroom. He tells Luhan to corral the others out of the dorm. They don’t need to see this. He checks for a pulse and he finds a faint one. Suho’s eyes are glazed over, eternally seeing nothing.

The others don’t go to the hospital this time. Kris calls after Suho’s stomach is pumped and is declared stable. The hospital expresses concerns about Suho’s recent behavior: skipped therapy sessions, flushed pills away, reprisal of self-harm, and finally an attempted overdose. Kris refuses to entertain the idea of some sort of special mental hospital. Locking Suho away will only drive Suho farther down the path to his own demise.

Kris buys flowers and puts them in a vase by Suho’s bed. He sighs down at the younger man. He doesn’t understand. He can’t even imagine the kind of pain Suho must be carrying. Kris can’t fathom any reason to self-harm. He feels helpless.

Suho wakes up a little while later. He doesn’t say anything to Kris, which Kris expects.

“The kids are worried.”

“I know.” Suho whispers.

Kris is surprised.

“I’ve been an idiot.” Suho continues. “But I don’t know how to stop. I don’t want to stop.”

“Why did you start?” Kris ventures.

“Because in this group I feel worthless.” Suho replies. “What good am I? Everything I do someone else can do better. When I’m compared to others I lose every time. I don’t know how I ended up in this group. I think the company was starting to feel bad for me.” Tears begin to well up in his eyes. “Seven years. Most quit after the first three or four. But there I was hanging on like a cockroach. I’m nothing.”

“That isn’t true.”

“To you it isn’t. But in my head, in my heart, I feel so worthless. I don’t feel good enough. It’s easier when I hurt myself. I don’t think about my failures. I’m cutting them away.”

“But doesn’t it hurt?”

“Only at first. But the physical pain overrides the emotional pain. It’s euphoric then.” Suho stares at the ceiling. “It’s addicting. I don’t know how to stop. I don’t want to. I don’t want to hurt anymore, Wufan. I want to die.”

Kris feels torn. This lucid Suho has opened his eyes to the world of pain. Kris can’t help but pity Suho. Kris wasn’t looked down on by other trainees while in the company. He never had to feel that bitter isolation. He’s guilty he didn’t go through such hardships. And yet Kris wants to scream. Suho’s reasons are so unbelievably selfish Kris can barely stand it. They’ve all felt the pain of not being worthy. They’ve all had their ups and downs.

“Wufan,” Suho turns his head to his side. He fixes Kris with brown eyes full of melancholy. “The next time I try to kill myself, let me. Please, I don’t want to do this anymore.”

Kris looks away. “You should know by now that I’ll never let you. I will never let you go. I don’t care if you want to die, Joonmyun. I want to show you there’s so much left on this earth to do. I don’t want to give up.”

Suho laughs hollowly. It’s as empty as the man it comes from. “Then I won’t kill myself at the dorms. I’ll go somewhere else.”

Kris is afraid Suho isn’t kidding.

 

Suho returns home, significantly more docile. He doesn’t apologize but his temper tantrums cease. The dorm is still quiet as death. Kris, now more than ever, feels at a loss. Suho doesn’t cut himself anymore. He still refuses to take his medications and go to therapy. Suho seems to be constantly deep in thought. Kris worries.

Suho’s words from the hospital haunt him like a relentless phantom. Kris even sleeps outside Suho’s door in the hopes of foiling some scheme to sneak out and commit suicide. Kris sees the dark circles beneath his own eyes but can’t even  _ care _ because Suho wants to die and he’ll be damned if he doesn’t stop Suho.

“ _ Gege _ ,” Lay sits down beside Kris. “You can’t keep doing this to yourself.”

“Don’t worry about me, Yixing.” Kris murmurs. “I’m fine.”

“But you aren’t. We’re all worried about Suho. Let us help you.”

Kris nods numbly to appease Lay. That won’t stop him from sleeping outside Suho’s room and barely sleeping a wink anyway. He hates when the exhaustion gets to him and Kris snores until the morning and then curses himself for sleeping so heavily.

 

D.O. tentatively brings up the idea of group therapy. He reasons that all twelve of them have been through hell because of Suho’s rollercoaster ride and all of them need healing. There are murmurs of agreement but Kris sits stone faced. He worries that this sort of action will send Suho right back down the path of demise and he doesn’t want to risk that. In the end he agrees and arrangements are made. He knows the  _ dongsengs _ need to vent their feelings somehow; they bore the brunt of Suho’s rage.

Kris sits outside Suho’s door that night as usual. Suho opens the door at some point and sits with him. “Stop babysitting me.”

“You know I can’t do that.”

Suho shakes his head. “You haven’t looked in the mirror lately. You look terrible. Have you been eating? You look skinny. And your skin is all dull. Don’t hurt your health over me. You’ll just make me feel bad.”

“I can’t stop myself. I can’t let you hurt yourself.”

“Wufan. You need to understand something. I’m not okay. I don’t think I’ll ever be okay. But the world can’t stop because I can’t go on.”

_ Suho smiles _ .

Kris wants to cry at the sight of it. It’s a beacon of hope in a world of darkness.

“I want you to go to that group therapy. I’ve hurt everyone, not just myself. I want you all to heal. I need more time. So don’t worry about me.”

“I don’t think I can stop worrying, Joonmyun.”

“Try for me, okay? For you I’ll try to get better, if you try to let me fly on my own.” Suho looks at Kris. “I’ve learned something, Wufan. Wanting to die is easy, but wanting to live is harder. It’s going to be tough, but I know you’ll be here for me.”

“I could never leave.” Kris pulls Suho into a hug.

It’s 3:04 AM in South Korea when Kris begins to think things might just turn out okay. 


End file.
